TEXT   32


Guest on 25th April 2022 09:57:35 PM

  1. Why did I have to say that?
  3. The reaction is immediate and fierce.  I watch as the pain
  4. washes over his face like a crashing wave - crashing right back
  5. into me.  His eyes widen in shock, hazel like I've never seen
  6. before.  His mouth is slightly agape, words failing him at the
  7. moment.  They seem to have deserted me, too.  Right when I
  8. need them most.  Where is the "I'm sorry" - the explanation
  9. that I so desperately need to wrap my tongue
  10. around?
  12. God, I had no idea that one sentence could tear two people's
  13. lives this far apart.
  15. But I see that on his face.  His face has always told me what
  16. his voice will not.  He's more of an open book than he likes to
  17. think - at least to me.  As I surely am to him.  Except now he
  18. turns from me, wordlessly, and I watch his back as he walks to
  19. the warehouse door, opens it, and leaves.
  21. I am alone.
  23. Literally.  Figuratively.  Take your pick.  It really makes no
  24. difference.  No matter how you dice it, it's just Dana Scully,
  25. all alone in her "factual" world.
  27. I have really fucked this up.
  29. But how else was I supposed to get his attention?  He becomes
  30. so single-minded in his quest that he's like a horse with
  31. blinders.  He sees one path, straight ahead, and misses all the
  32. peripheral things that, unbeknownst to him, shift his course.
  34. Somehow, I've managed to get to my car.  And I thought he
  35. was bad about clicking over to autopilot.  I just want to drive
  36. for a while.  It always made me feel better when I was a
  37. teenager.  When a new crisis in Melissa's life would appear or
  38. Bill's condescending attitude got to be too much, I would take
  39. the car and drive.  Detachment at its teen-angst finest.
  41. No wonder it got to be so easy.  Except I worry that I have lost
  42. touch with what reality is.  And by reality, I don't mean that
  43. elusive "truth" that my partner and I chase after everyday.  It is
  44. the reality that people feel - that I feel -has become lost on me.
  46. I've always known that he blames himself for my abduction,
  47. Missy's death, the cancer, and God knows whatever else he
  48. can heap on the pile.  And what did I go and do?  The one
  49. thing he feared most - I said it.  I gave the guilt and regret a
  50. voice.  My voice.
  52. I register that I have finally made it back to my street.  I look
  53. at the clock on the car's dashboard.
  55. 12:15
  57. I suppose that's enough time wasted.  Time to go back to my
  58. apartment.  Alone.
  60. And then it hits me. The same emptiness that resides secretly
  61. in my soul, rearing up and making itself known in the
  62. darkness of night.  Ironically, I just alienated the man who fills
  63. the void that I try to deny exists within me.  Label that the
  64. stupidest move I've ever made.
  66. Actually, I take that back.  Label it the =second= stupidest
  67. move ever, next to falling in love with my partner.
  69. "You have no messages."
  71. As if he would call, anyway.  Why the fuck did I have to fall
  72. for my best friend?  Smooth, Dana.  Let's make things even
  73. more complicated than they already are.
  75. All I want to do right now is crawl in a hole and die.  But hey,
  76. that won't even take long now.  I guess the bed will have to do,
  77. for the time being.  But first, I have to get rid of this damn
  78. suit.  As much as I wanted to grow up and wear suits everyday
  79. when I was little, it's starting to get really old at this point in
  80. life.  I'd much rather be running around in the tattered jeans
  81. and sweatshirt that served as my "uniform" back in college.
  83. It's dark in my apartment, but I don't make any effort to turn
  84. on the lamp.  It's comforting somehow.  The anonymity, the
  85. lack of light and feeling... And yet, it =is= full of meaning.  It's
  86. him, and this darkness may be all I have left after our words
  87. earlier tonight.
  89. I walk to my window, looking outward in some fanciful
  90. romantic notion that just maybe his car would be there,
  91. waiting.
  93. No such luck.
  95. I reach for the hem of my shirt almost violently, needing to get
  96. out of these dreadful clothes.  The fact that I'm stripping right
  97. in front of my open window strays vaguely across my mind,
  98. inciting a little niggle of modesty, but I ignore it.  Who the hell
  99. cares?  Let whoever wants to see this disease-ravaged body
  100. see it.  At this point, they can't do any more damage.  It's all
  101. been done before.  I'm -
  103. "Keep going, FBI woman."
  105. Mulder.  His voice surprises me.  It comes from the dark - its
  106. rightful place.
  108. "Mulder?"  I ask, trying to sound angry that he's been sitting
  109. here the whole time.  "What are you doing?  Why are you
  110. sitting in my bedroom in the dark?"  That sounded downright
  111. bitchy.  
  113. "My apartment was too crowded."
  115. Oh really?
  117. *******
  119. I've listened to his plan.  And what can I say?  Only Mulder
  120. could come up with it.  
  122. "A lie to find the truth."
  124. I let his words sink in for a minute - this elaborate scheme to
  125. find the "truth."
  127. "Mulder, we don't have time to play these kind of games."
  129. "Scully, I know time is tight -"
  131. "You have no idea, Mulder."
  133. Oh shit!  Did I just say that?  I wasn't going to tell him until it
  134. became impossible to hide.  And now his hand has crept from
  135. the edge of the table to cover mine.
  137. "Scully?  What do you mean?"
  139. I look up to see his face, just barely below mine.  His eyes are
  140. full of dread, and the remnants of anger still hang on by thin
  141. threads of amber.  The color is that of vengeance, tainted by a
  142. heart that cares too much.
  144. Time to confess, Dana.  But I am not doing it to his face.  I've
  145. already caused it to fall once tonight.  I don't want to watch it
  146. again.  I turn back to the table, focusing on some unparticular
  147. grain of wood as if it can answer all of my questions.  Wishing
  148. that it would speak to the man who holds my hand and answer
  149. all of his questions, too - so I don't have to.
  151. "Scully - "
  153. "It's metastasized." I cut him off while my courage is
  154. momentarily bolstered.  I need to get it out.  Tell him, and
  155. maybe he'll leave me to my own misery.  Leave me to lie
  156. awake for the next few hours and prepare myself for his
  157. "death."  Crazy, isn't it?  He's going to "die" before me.  I
  158. know I'm a terrible liar, but this shouldn't be too difficult.  Just
  159. act like he's ditched me again.  I've had plenty of practice in
  160. that arena.
  162. He's silent now.  I half-expect him to start railing the minute
  163. that the words leave my mouth, but he's so much calmer these
  164. days.  I wonder if it's for my sake.  He's staring at the table,
  165. seemingly searching for a grain to answer all of his questions,
  166. as well.  He gulps hard.  I can see his Adam's apple straining,
  167. trying to force words out past his larynx.  
  169. "How long?"
  171. He's trying to stay calm.  His words are harsh and sharp, spat
  172. out as if by a dire effort.  
  174. "A few weeks, maybe.  It's entered into my bloodstream, so
  175. it's just a matter of shutting down organs, at this point."
  177. I'm amazed at how apathetic I can make my words seem.  But
  178. then again, I've uttered these particular words a couple times
  179. now.  They're just statistics.  It's what I've been trained to do.  
  180. Facts without feeling.  My specialty.  
  182. But then he looks up from the table, into my eyes, and I
  183. begin to feel once again.  His eyes surprise me.  There is such
  184. sadness there, and the little wells of water that have
  185. accumulated at the bottom of those stormy hazel orbs are
  186. merely a confirmation.  I notice his eyes are already tinged
  187. with red.  This isn't the first time he's cried tonight.  And now
  188. it seems as if my own water works have sprung a leak.
  190. "Like I said, Mulder, we don't have much time.  I'd love to
  191. pull off a big elaborate sting operation with you for old times'
  192. sake, but I just don't have it in me."
  194. Still no words.  I can tell he's thought about this - feared it.  
  195. And once again, I gave it a voice.  He just looks up at me like
  196. the same twelve-year old little boy that must have stared out
  197. the window all night long looking for what had disappeared
  198. right before his eyes.  
  200. I lift my right hand to his hair, ruffling it, as our eyes remain
  201. locked.  I love a man with nice hair.  That's probably why I
  202. never went for the military boys on base.  Mulder's hair,
  203. unlike theirs, is just so =perfect.= This must be, I think, only
  204. the third time I've allowed this indulgence.  I'm treating
  205. myself, and why shouldn't I?  One more thing to catalog away
  206. in the hope of remembering it in the Great Beyond.
  208. "We'll do it quickly, Scully.  Find you a cure."
  210. The words come from him softly, but with a determination I
  211. had not expected.
  213. "And then you'll have all the time in the world."
  215. And with that, he shifts from a crouching position to rest upon
  216. his knees.  He takes my hand from his hair, bringing it to rest
  217. on his cheek as his eyes slowly lower and close.
  219. "I wish, Mulder.  I wish."
  221. I watch the lines of sorrow furrow in his brow, and I feel the
  222. first tear seep from his eye and fall into my hand.  Suddenly
  223. his hand is moving again, bringing mine around to his lips.  
  224. He kisses my palm, and I, too, must close my eyes, squeezing
  225. out the tears that have been hanging there in waiting.  
  227. And then just as suddenly, I'm being pulled from my chair and
  228. onto his lap, straddled across his bent knees.  His arms wrap
  229. around me like a twining python, one around my waist and the
  230. other running up through my hair, pulling my face beside his,
  231. cheek to cheek, as he crushes me to him.
  233. "We'll beat this, Scully."
  235. The feel of his lips moving against my skin makes my
  236. stomach turn over and feel as if it drops out, while my
  237. heart beats even faster than I thought possible.  It's absolutely
  238. surreal.  I can't stand this.
  240. "I promise we'll beat this."
  242. Oh, fuck it.  I turn my head into his, lowering my face slightly
  243. and dropping a kiss at the corner of his mouth, just grazing the
  244. satin of his lips.  And then, being the smart man that he is,
  245. Mulder takes his cue and turns his head in as well, bringing
  246. our lips together in their first chaste meeting.  
  248. It's soft.  Oh so soft.  Lips meeting carefully, deliberately, and
  249. then pulling back, only to brush against each other once again.  
  250. But then he makes it more - takes it farther.  As we meet again
  251. and his lips part mine, I feel his tongue enter my mouth.   My
  252. hands have found their way back into his hair, weaving
  253. through the silky strands that I love so much, and I hold his
  254. mouth to mine as our kissing escalates.
  256. We continue to test the textures of each other's mouths, as our
  257. hands break past boundaries set long ago.  Mulder senses my
  258. need to touch him, to touch life.  He is a willing participant,
  259. his hands guiding my head as our mouths continue to break
  260. apart and rejoin.  However, he is following my lead, allowing
  261. my desperate desire to enjoy this act set the pace.
  263. I move to pull his black henley and gray t-shirt off of his body,
  264. and all at once I am taking in as much of his skin as I can.  My
  265. lips and hands travel over his flesh, and I want to devour him
  266. whole.  I'm sucking his lips, kissing his eyelids, and letting my
  267. fingers skim his now sleek flesh, all the while grinding the
  268. heat of my center into his lap.
  270. He deftly disposes of my shirt, the same gray silk top that I
  271. began to remove in front of him an hour ago, and I am aware
  272. of how thin I've become.  I have imagined myself in every
  273. feasible sexual position with this man over the past five years,
  274. ranging from the wildest, kinkiest scenario to the downright
  275. boring and mundane.  But in all of those fantasies, my body
  276. was that of Dana Scully =before= the cancer.  When I
  277. imagined Mulder and I making love for the first time, I never
  278. envisioned this ill, too-thin, gaunt body pleasuring him.  What
  279. must he think?  And does it even really matter at this point?  
  280. As if I would be willing to turn back now.  
  282. I manage to extricate myself from his tangle of arms and rise
  283. to a standing position.  I look down upon his flushed face and
  284. mussed hair.  He is on his knees, kissing my stomach and
  285. working the button and zipper on my dress pants.  When he
  286. discovers the obstacle of my nude-to-the-waist nylons, he
  287. looks oddly amused, a wry grin playing at the corners of his
  288. mouth.  Having little patience at this point, I less than
  289. gracefully yank them down over my legs and feet, and I am
  290. left standing before him in my sensible cotton panties and bra.
  292. I lead him by the hand into the bedroom, where the rest of his
  293. clothing is discarded quickly.  Soon, we are heat upon heat
  294. again, flesh upon flesh.  By the light of the lamp that he turned
  295. on earlier, Mulder reverently removes my undergarments,
  296. before allowing me to pull him onto the bed.
  298. He is touching me everywhere, with his eyes, his hands, his
  299. mouth.... That lush mouth works its way over my torso, across
  300. my breasts, down my stomach.  His hands move from my hips
  301. to my thighs as his head descends further down my body.  He
  302. buries his face between my legs, expertly making me gasp for
  303. breath and claw savagely at the sheets.  I put my hands on his
  304. head, crushing his mouth to me more tightly, silently begging
  305. him to give me what I want, what I need.  His licking turns to
  306. sucking, and my fingers curl in his hair.  I inhale sharply and
  307. hold my breath as my body convulses with the force of my
  308. orgasm.
  310. I guide him back to my mouth, and his slick lips cover mine.  
  311. Wrapping one arm around his neck, I hold my mouth to his.  I
  312. flatten my hand, pressing his body closer and guiding him to
  313. the waiting cradle of my hips.  He's trying to say my name, but
  314. I won't let him.  I'm too busy tasting myself on him, and at the
  315. same time, pushing the tip of him inside of me.  With several
  316. thrusts of my hips, we are joined.  The look on his face is one
  317. that I will remember in my grave.  The perfect combination of
  318. ecstasy and love.
  320. His body is moving sensually on top of mine as he alternately
  321. kisses me and murmurs my name.  I want this to last forever.  
  322. So much so that I wonder if it ever has to end.  But I know that
  323. it must, so I raise my legs higher around Mulder's hips, and he
  324. is deeper inside of me than any man has ever been.  Not just
  325. physically, but spiritually as well.  I hasten his movements,
  326. stretching one hand into the hollow of his back, while the
  327. other slips lower, urging him towards release.  I watch his
  328. beautiful face contort in pleasure as he empties into me, and I
  329. realize that this connection with this man is exactly what I
  330. needed to feel.  
  332. As his breathing returns to normal, I enjoy the last sporadic
  333. spasms of Mulder still inside of me.  His weight is heavy and
  334. uncomfortable on me, yet I cling to him even tighter, holding
  335. his face next to mine.  I don't want to let go.  I =won't= let go.
  337. *******
  339. One would think that, considering what just happened between
  340. Mulder and I, I would be able to fall asleep without a problem.  
  341. But that peaceful land does not seem to want to claim me right
  342. now.  I lie on my stomach, face turned toward the window,
  343. looking out at the looming darkness that the moonlight dares
  344. to dance across, and I hear Mulder's steady breathing echo in
  345. my ear as I feel his heartbeat pound steadily against my back.  
  346. I am totally surrounded by him.  His leg is hitched up across
  347. the back of my thighs, while his left arm and torso cover my
  348. back.  He blankets me in his warmth.  Perhaps it is the fear of
  349. losing his heat, his passion, which keeps me awake.  Knowing
  350. that I have to get out of this bed, crawl out from under him, in
  351. less than four hours and pretend that the man lying in his
  352. apartment with a bullet hole through the head is Mulder might
  353. be what leaves me unable to sleep.  Or maybe it is the fact that
  354. I know I could have a nose bleed any day now that will lead to
  355. a blackout and then I'll never see the light of day or feel this
  356. content again.  
  358. Talk about a walking nightmare.  And unfortunately, it's mine.  
  359. But, at least I have had this taste of heaven before plunging
  360. back into the hell that has become our lives.
  363. The End
  366. .

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