"Luz, Jimmy, and John; We're all incredibly thankful y'all could make it tonight. Between dodging jail and running a cult--- I mean empire, I'm sure your schedule is tighter than Caroline's --- clears throat Nevermind... I'm just thinkin', thinkin' out louuudddd casually singing to the tune of Watermelon Sugar High"

Oh, Harry, I adore you. Please don't disown my friendship, but sometimes it looks like you got dressed in the dark. My blind-folded toddler could probably be a better stylist. I'll give you her number. And the hair!! my goodness, it always looks like it's been through a tornado - maybe you're just using it to cover the receding hairline? I don't know and like the rest of us who are huge fans of "what makes you beautiful" you must be your own biggest admier because you sure do look at yourself in the mirror a lot. But in all seriousness, Harry, you are a gifted human with extraordinary talent. We adore you endlessly. Happy Birthday!

Harry Styles, where do I even begin? You're the only person I know who can make a simple haircut look like a revolutionary act. Your fashion sense is so bold, it's almost as if you're trying to distract us from your mediocre music. You're so talented, you could probably even make a subpar song sound good... oh wait, you already did that with "Watermelon Sugar." And let's not forget about your acting career. "Dunkirk" was a real cinematic masterpiece. Oh wait, that was someone else. My mistake. Keep doing you, Harry. We'll always be here to support you and happiest of birthdays, brother.

I met Harry when I was with my first wife. I took her to his show and I walked out thinking watermelon sugar was a drink. After giving Harry the eye as he and my ex wife talked about nail polish, he whispered to me the true meaning...I learned two things..despite the ruffles on his shirt and nail polish..Harry is not gay. Congratulations Birdie, if you didn't know...the second thing I learned was Harry Styles is the man. We've bonded over shots and countless nights out. Truly man, I'm proud of you and happy birthday! Now there is someone out there for everyone. For you Harry, it's a therapist, Enjoy your night.

Ya know, I don't think that Harry's style is that... out there. Then again, I've casually dressed like an old man for my own album release party and wear nothing but black. Up next, we've got the oh-so-kind Rory. She's an angel. I've got nothing to roast her over.

Now, Nipsey... I noticed you wore your best tracksuit! Are you testing it out for your next wedding? But.. white? Really?

And Roger! Roger, we're so glad you could be here tonight. Took the night off from baking just to be here, huh? Kidding, I know you're a bartender, caterer... Regardless, I'm hoping for a shot or eight of Tequila after this.

Chima, Chima, Chima... I'm too scared to roast you. You'll step on me and it'll be a wrap. Careful though, some men are into that. Don't do that shit for free."

i think we can all agree the possibilities are endless when it comes to roasting mr. styles. from this outfits, to his dad dance moves, hell, even the way he says the most drunk uncle jokes ever. i'm playing. i will go easy. let's go back to the fashion area of this man. i've never met another person that is the human embodiment of a claire's store in my life. covered in glitter and should have a cheap tiara taped to his head. i mean, y'all see it as well, right?

to go along with the glitter thing, we could never lose this man in a crowd. just shine a light and he'll be dazzling from miles away. it's kind of a genius tactic. i know birdie would find it hand, isn't that right, ms birdie? you're welcome for the new technique of never losing him again.

should end this off by saying me and him are the same, i have horrendous knee and back problems like i'm pushing 30 as well.

love ya, king. you can make fun of me once this year. i will allow it. but only one. because i'm nice like that.

What’s Hannin y’all. I know everybody gon be creative in how dey roast my boy Harry, but you know me, ima just keep it gangsta and simple. I smoked a blunt wit my boy Harry for the first time a few months ago. He told me he was gon be able to hang. That is, until Snoop walked in with 7 blunts rolled. Harry was sweatin like a kid about to get whooped for not taking out the dinner before his moms got home by the second blunt. But he was a good sport about it. By the 5th blunt, he thought he was 2pac. I won’t tell the rest, look at him blushin “

“My boy Harry got a soft side doe. I’ve come to learn that he happens to The Notebook. I would’ve never guessed that. Give my man’s some tequila and out that movie on and I’m sure he gets to expressing the depth of his love, words slurred in his best Peter Griffin voice. “Who hurt you…..who hurt you……”

“Aight aight, dats enough from me. To my Gucci wearin, Hell’s Kitchen cookin, finger twistin weed smokin homeboy, Happy birthday my guy. I love you brother, and I’m proud of how far you’ve come and where you’re headed. Also, Harry is certified blacc now, so make sure y’all acknowledge him dis Blacc History Month. Hussle out, NaybaH60d!

So, a deck of cards shows up to an award show...wait that was Harry...don't get me wrong, I love him as much as everyone else in this room, but apparently Harold loves Alice in Wonderland more than us all...

Now, the response to this will probably be, "But, Roger, do you have a yacht?" The answer is no, but I also don' t have any men's depends to wear around on said yacht either. Peeing is for the poor, I guess...

He's from London...been to Frane...shit, which one of you cheeky blokes introduced Harold to OnlyFans? Look at em, he's like a pilgrim in a Pilates suit...c'om, y'all protect our mans.

Lets give it up for Abel, yall. He's wearing his tall shoes tonight! Look at that. Wow. Hi babies! Its truly an honor to be here and be apart of the celebration of Harry Styles. Admittedly, when Birdie reached out, I wasn't too sure how useful I'd be. After all, I'm a singer, not a comedian.... but now that I see this lineup, what do I really have to lose?

Lets see here. We have the Hoffas! Soooo glad yall could make it here from prison! I was sincerely worried about how this would work. Like would yall be tuning in to roast via zoom meeting? Would you call in from your contraband flip phone? Inmates are surprisingly resourceful, ya know. Thank god Jimmy got out quick. Between all the kids and carrying the weight of keeping you all relevant, I'm sure Luz is tired. #FreeLuz

Speaking of tired... Nipsey Hussle! Or as I like to call him, America's Favorite Crip! Nipsey is known for his undying loyalty to the Hoffas and his community engagement. And by engagement, I mean he's slung more dick through the 'n@ybah00d' than Reagan slung crack.

Who else..? We got recovered cocaine imp The Weeknd and his wife Caroline. To this day, I still don't know how he pulled her. But someone has to care for the needy, I suppose. We got Rory and Roger. Or better known as Billie Eillish & who?

But lets not forget our man of the hour. Harry motherfuckin' Styles. Harry, you're an icon, an innovator, and the poor man's David Bowie. Its been amazing seeing you grow from only being played at Forever 21 to Grammy award winning and comfortably spitting on your colleagues. Talk about power! From One Direction to both swinging both directions, wearing crazy outfits, and having a sound that cannot be matched. Happy birthday Harry. I wish you many more and much success

&And y'all see why I was scared to roast Chima? She came for everyone's throats with those roasts!

Now before Harry pulls a Spongebob and rips his pants again, let me introduce the brainchildren behind Harry's roast! We've got my beautiful wife Caroline "The Self Proclaimed Princess of TikTok" Tesfaye, and Birdie "My Grandma Thinks I Have The Best Tits In Hollywood" Shepard! Those must have been the Satellites that Harry was singing about...

Thanks babe for the warm welcome and boob insecurity, Nipsey, do you think one of your ex girlfriends could give me a number for a decent plastic surgeon? I’m kidding, Hi, I’m Caroline Tesfaye, and I’d like to think I know Harry very well. I think part of the reason we get along so well is that he reminds me a lot of my dad; both dress in drag and are in love with my husband. Hopefully Harry won’t be using the same line my dad did….”if you don’t sit on it, I will.” So, I’m telling you right now Patchy Mc Cowprint, I’ve sat on it.

Everyone is talking about your style choices, and while some choices are questionable at best, you can at least say that you always wear luxury, is Gucci coming to get your soul now or later? But that’s really not my business, mine is xoline, you’ve probably never heard of it since it’s not toddler chic.

I’m so glad that Roger could use his lunch break to come and roast the man of the hour. But uh, it’s been over an hour and I’d love one of those watermelon sugar margs. Don’t forget to tip Roger, everyone! Jimmy, I’m so glad you left your tiger at home or maybe even in vegas, we don’t need another pussy on this stage tonight.

I know that Harry would want me all to tell you guys that his favorite part about this roast is that it really feels like a roast. He has such a way with words and I am more than happy to be the more to share it. At least his words are better than his attempt to grow a beard. I guess that’s why he needs Birdie, since he can’t grow a beard, he has to marry one.

In all seriousness, I love me some patchy mc cowprint, and I’m so happy that he’s marrying my girlfriend, I mean…my best friend. Harry, you’re talented and have the sweetest heart. I adore you and this little, and I don’t use this term lightly, family that we share. Happy Birthday, Harold Andrew.

And now, the almost Mrs. Patchy Mc Cowprint, my best friend in the entire universe, give it up for Birdie Shepard!

Hey everyone! How about a round of applause for Mrs. Caroline Tesfaye? I'm incredibly proud of her for not being stuck up Abel's ass the entirety of the night. I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who agreed to be apart of such a special night; I know you all lead busy lives what with touring and being in and out of jail...and whatever it is that Roger does. It brings me so much joy to see you all here, taking part of such a special occasion. We asked Snoop to join us tonight, but he was busy so we asked the next best rapper...but Kanye wasn't available either so we settled for Nipsey. And look at him! Dressed in his very best tracksuit..

I'm sure a few of you had a little trouble figuring out what to say tonight, I get it, Harry is probably one of the least problematic people in this room. I mean, the biggest controversy he's faced in years was whether or not he spit on Chris Pine. And let me just put your minds at ease, it's just not true...I've been after him to spit on me for months, he just won't do it.

Like so many girls my age, I was a big fan of One Direction. You know, there was a time where if you told me I'd be marrying my favorite member of One Direction when I grow up, I'm sure I would have said "I'm marrying Niall?" I'm kidding, babe.....my favorite was Zayn.

I think one of the things I've always admired about Harry is his duality, especially when it comes to his sense of fashion. How many people out there can pull off looking like the love child of Elton John and Freddie Mercury on stage to dressing like a forty year old dad having a midlife crisis?

I'll end this off by saying.. Harry, you are so incredibly loved, by not only me but by everyone on this stage and in this room tonight. You're a light in the world and bring joy to those around you. Happy Birthday, I love you.